Why I don't go to Russia
On writing, dissidence, and hypothetical real crimes and punishments
I've never properly pondered what it would be like, what it would mean for me and cost me to write and publish an anti-war, anti-totalitarian, blatantly anti-government, book if I were still in Russia. The truth is, I would likely not do it at all. I feel somewhat privileged and even lucky, but not in a sense of bold achievement or good fortune akin winning a lottery, but in a sense of holding in a special position, wherein "special" means that the position provides relative safety and an opportunity to speak against the regime without fear of prosecution. After all, I'm in the UK, far away from that regime, Russian police won't knock on my door in the morning, won't put me in prison, won't torture me and won't send me to fight in their war. They won't even read this or any anti-state statement I've put online over the past, almost three years, including my book. I'm a little man to them, though it wouldn't, as we well know, stop them from ruining my life for some words put online or in print. To wield an opportunity to speak and to exert it comes as a personal moral duty, even though it's fortified not by bravery but by recklessness in my case. I still have family in Russia and although they are safe, I sometimes feel my actions could somehow have consequences for them. In essence, it's irrational, but that's what the terrorist regime wants—to instil terror in you.
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